Well I have a bit of time left before I leave so I suppose I may as well stick up a brief entry. First of all my compliments go out again to my new found, similarly minded friend Sarah for her kind words in her blog. Fan of the Month for May, coming your way.
In the mean time, again I am faced with the problem I encountered in my last blog. I don't have anything to write about because I'm really truly very happy in my life at the moment. I am having a Leaving Do on Friday which has made me think a bit. I started University in September 01... It's now April 07, that's 5 and a half years... and I probably take for granted a lot of the benefits of working here.
It also makes me wonder what is to become of me. Am I sitting the egg of my career under a Hen and encouraging it to hatch, or sticking it in the microwave allowing it to turn closer and closer to it's destruction? How can one tell until it either hatches or explodes?
But I'm going to party on Friday I know that much,
A blog is most definitely in order! So, a blog on what?
Well I can offer a salute to new friends who in no time at all have become an important part of my life, from Matt (fan of the month for April 07) to Sarah who's currently in line for May, and who maintains her own blog (Viewable here).
Or perhaps I could express my happiness with the maintanence of the best relationship I've ever had over a hard time (ie. two people used to one another nearby, being forced to do the long distance thing, albeit on a temporary basis).
Or perhaps I could talk about the money shortly coming my way which is going to allow me to pimp my life out. Xhibit is a legend, but I'm going to do to my life what he does with his team to cars. In the next fortnight, I'm going to buy a new suit, kit out my room, sort everything out and then, on May the 1st start a new job.
But I think what I'll base this blog on, is the fact that none of that is anything I want to write about. Human nature has some amazing abilities, and some awful ones... One of the worst traits we have is a common lesson often learnt in 'Customer Service' training. "Impress one customer, they'll tell two friends. Disappoint them, they'll tell five"! We like to talk about things when they're bad.
Why has it been so long since I've written a blog? Simple! My job got bad but then I got a new better one elsewhere. My relationship was the same roller-coaster it's always been but then I ended up with the girl I'm in love with. My room remained the incomplete part of the flat but then I sorted a loan to do it up with. Life is good so I feel less like telling people about that!
Why is that...? Well having not finished Uni that long ago, and with my other half currently approaching deadlines and the what-not, there is an easy comparison at hand. Two people on the same course with the same hand-in date, should not tell the other the stage they were at incase they were further. It is so seldom that would actually encourage the other person to do more! It's much more likely to inspire jealousy, or contempt, or guilt...
So we keep our good news to ourselves as not to be percieved as the sort that likes to show off or be arrogant, but we don't half enjoy ranting on when things are bad. That's why friends are always so protective over relationships of their friends... they hear all the bad bits, but never the really intimate good bits.
Think I may be done ranting tonight, I shall revue tomorrow...
Sleep well, and rest assured the reason I haven't written much recently is because I'm happy.
Trust is a complicated thing. I choose to see trust much as I do religious faith. In order for Religion to work, one must 100% believe in their god. You can not look to facts, and nor can you look to history, you must just decide to believe your correct in your faith and only then can you have a full religious experience.
Funnily enough, I find it difficult to have faith in a god, and that is not to say I don't respect other people who do. However, I don't have difficulty with trust. History may not support the idea of this particular idealistic concept, but I have it because I want it, and only when I have seen it categorically disproven will my belief break down.
It's a shame I can't have 'faith' in a god, because if it's this fulfilling, and lifes this good simply having complete trust as I do, then it must be great to believe so completely in a deity whom looks after you.
Is it just me or is the sun shining a little brighter then normal this morning? Yep, you guessed it, I'm in an exceptional mood. Hey, if I had money to eat something today, I daresay I'd be ecstatic.
We all make decisions and whatever it is we decide we have to do, we must ensure we're behind that decision 100%. If you flick a light on and off, it will continue to do whatever you ask of it for 1000s of flicks, however, we've all at some point held that switch just in the middle so the bulb flickers as if violently confused over what it's supposed to do... And those of us who enjoy doing that know how short it makes the bulbs life!
Having said that, Gio knows this more then anyone. I like things bright, or dark. 'Mood lighting' is to me pointlessly surviving under mediocre lighting conditions. I suppose that's because I have a tendency to see things as 'Black and White' when I get bored or frustrated with the grey areas.
I'm hungry :-(! But Happy :-)
Later, and keep your eyes on those Burlster Pics! More coming soon...
Heartbreak is a fascinating feeling. It's like an essential part of you inside has suddenly disappeared, kind of creating a vacuum. Then everything gets sucked in to that vacuum causing pain in a central spot that spreads to the surrounding areas. Of course the physical feeling isn't the fun part. It's the mental tourment.
The desire to sob uncontrollably counteracted by feelings of pride and anger which you can't help but feel you don't deserve to be having to muster up. It's the frustration which makes you so worked up you just want to punch something, but you can't because you know if you release it and actually do punch something, for a second or two that 'pride and anger' will be satisfied and you'll be left with nothing but the tears. It's the confusion and humiliation... after all, what the hell is wrong with you that put you in this situation? Why has someone chosen to hurt you so?
Unfortunately for me, it's the chance to prove to myself I am completely independant. Each time I make myself a little colder-hearted inside. I get over it quicker. And worst of all, I drink more. Today for example, is the first time I have drunk Vodka neat. Drunk quite a bit now, to be honest I'm a bit surprised not to be feeling that drunk. Is it one of those slow working drinks?
But the person on the other side of the equation needs to be considered too. It's not always easy to make the heartbreaking decision which resulted in you being so upset, and they do deserve to choose what they want over you, granted.
Anyway, on a cheerier note, I'm submitting the first couple of chapters of my book this week to a publisher. It's the best thing I've ever done and for those of you that like my writing style, your in for a treat. No spoilers or clues on what's going to happen of course ;-).
Later people, sorry for the lack of analogy today...
Off for some more liquid happiness :-). And lets hope this week brings new friends, more fun, and a return to the former Burlster character everyone admired for his optimism.
You know the expression "You can take a horse to water, but you can't make it drink"? Well I have a horse, and I know it's practically dying of thirst. I've found the nicest cleanest water in the land, and taken it right to the waters edge. As it still refused to drink, I grabbed it's head, and pulled it down to the water, even splashing some water on it's mouth... The horse actually held it's breath.
You want to die of thirst horsey then do so, I've done everything I humanly possibly can to help you and show you the way, and you've pointlessly resisted for unknown reasons. So you know what... die of thirst.
Perhaps you'll drink for the jockey taking you for a ride tomorrow, even if the water isn't half as nice.
Your entry today comes to you from the early time of 8.50am. I have been up since around 7am unable to sleep. BUT in a good way. Today, I'm happy... the balloon has started to float (see aforementioned entry).
I was anticipating a horrific conversation and a heart-broken day today. But I don't have too. And what the truth to the questions I was going to ask are, I don't care. Because it has nothing to do with me anymore.
It's like playing chess I suppose. Whilst you're playing it, you take turns to see who can 'beat' the other one. It's a constant competition and your mind races to work out strategies and plans to get the best of your opponent. Now I may have lost the game, but it's over! I can leave the game and the opponent and just chillax somewhere!!
Confusing. To whom do you refer 'Yahoo'?
"You could have a breakthrough in your personal life, John. If you have been single for a while, you might finally be able to arrange the perfect date. You could plan a special evening with this person. Treat your new friend to an extravagant, elegant time. Go out for dinner and attend a musical concert. Or sit sipping cappuccinos in a sophisticated coffee house. Have fun with the drama of getting to know this person better." - Yahoo! Horoscopes
Imagine a helium balloon. It wants to progress onwards and upwards but alas, at the end of it's string is a hook, hooked on a ring on the floor. Now in order to be unhooked, Mr. Balloon must first be lowered further. He must sink a little closer to that miserable ground before he can be freed from his restraints.
Now that sounds horribly morbid, and as an analogy is does not mean that I feel I have been held back by anyone. Merely that I have had to throw myself in to a further depression in the hope of getting myself free from what often keeps me down.
It has been less then 24 hours since I became unhooked, and all I want to do is re-attach myself to that ring on the floor. Strange. But logically of course, I know that wouldn't particularly help.
I'm now drunk of course. It's how I deal with my problems. Nightly. I will continue to drink until I pass out with drunkeness, then I shall wake feeling guilty and shallow and depressed with no best friend to go to. One of my best friends is the ring from which I have seperated myself today, and the other told me for the first time today he is sick to death of hearing about that 'ring', he'd rather go to bed then allow me to finish our conversation. I can't blame him.
Life is good right now (to be said with only the level of sarcasm Tim from 'the Office' could muster up), but worry not, for hopefully this is a positive turning point and things can only get better.
J
"You only had to say the word And you knew I'd do it You had me where you wanted me But you went and blew it Now everything I ever done Was only done for you But now you can go and do Just what you wanna do I'm telling you
Cos I ain't gonna be made To look a fool no more You done it once to often What do you take me for Oh darlin', there ain't no pleasing you
And if you think I don't mean what I say And I'm only bluffing You got another thing coming I'm tellin' you that for nothing Oh darlin', that's what I'm gonna Do... "
I was always a massive fan of the James Bond style enemy.
"Good Evening Mr. Bond", said in a classic British accent, with real sincerity by someone who fully intended to kill him. One can only presume the mentality behind this is that it can't hurt to be polite, and everyone's a lot better off doing things in a civilised fashion. It looks better and is considerably more mature.
I will never understand people who can just completely blank someone. Perhaps I will one day when someone upsets me so much I just don't want to ever have to deal with them again. But for now, I don't understand. The people who have upset me most in this life I can talk too easily and sociably, and if I'd rather not be doing so I'd make my excuses in a civilised manner and head off.
In case you can't tell, I was blanked completely by someone for the first time in my life last night. Never before has someone actually delibrately ignored me. I was a bit shocked to be honest.
Oh well, we all have to have someone to hate us I suppose, or Karma wouldn't allow us to have someone to love us too. And whilst the person who now hates me used to love me, the person who currently loves me doesn't have it in her to hate, and that is an admirable quality.
Yesterday in my MySpace blog I made a comment about only ever believing Yahoo Horoscopes... but today they've let me down. Correct, an 'old project' is on my mind I suppose, but only because I'm pissed off... and it's certainly not worth pursuing.
"Today your attention could be drawn to some projects from your past, John. You might bump into an old colleague and find yourself reminiscing over your collaboration. Or you might find yourself reconsidering a project or business venture that you had once abandoned. Research old investment strategies to see if they still might work. Something good could come out of past efforts." - Yahoo! Horoscopes
Here's something scary though. Yesterday I was so impressed with my horoscope, I clicked the 'tomorrow' button, but having read the first line decided it was cheating. But I do remember thinking 'I wonder if that means I'm going to hear from an ex tomorrow'. Scary! I ran in to 'Princess Nicky' at about 10 past midnight.
But I am 100% determind to have an awesome day no matter what happens!!! I shall be in a good mood today... That's all there is to it...
It's our responsibility to decide whether someone we love is that second jet engine on a plane helping to propel us in the direction we want to go, or an anchor on a ship keeping us stationary. The problem is, both are nice to have, but they serve different functions and our challenge is to identify which is more appropriate for what we want. Do we want to move forward with our lives? Or are we comfortable where we are? Jet Engine or Anchor?
Of course to identify this, we need to analyse the surroundings and work out the destination. If the destination isn't as exciting as where we are, drop anchor and chill there. But if we want more, and we're in a rush to get to that destination, full throttle!
Anyway, best return to my job. I'll leave you with my once again, amazing Yahoo! Horoscope for today...
"You have always had a great need for independence. You work best when you have a great freedom of action. When you feel that your independence might disappear, you can become very upset and annoyed. Today, John, you will feel a lack of vital space around you. You will be exasperated by this situation. Try to keep your calm."
Israel Kamakawiwo'ole - Somewhere Over The Rainbow/What A Wonderful World
]
Hello People!
Suprisingly enough, my old entries have cheered me up somewhat. I did have a good time back then.
I don't really date at the moment. I kind of don't need too. If all the aspects of a relationship were rooms in a mansion, I don't need to keep trying various keys to see which ones each key grants me access too, when I have a skeleton key. The problem with a skeleton key of course, is that they're a security risk due to their lack of commitment to any given door... they're not as exclusive as you might prefer your key to be. But nevermind, should I really complain if I can access every single room in the mansion?
Work is a bitch to be honest, but it will all resolve itself soon. It will have too. And even I'm impressed by how I say that as if it's something that is going to sort itself out ;-). Money is tight as ever, but then when I get a job, I'll be in a position to get a Graduate Loan which will sort me right out!
And living with Gio in our gorgeous flat is amazing, I love it! We went for a beverage last night in the Dean Park Inn and I was very impressed... that's too become our local, especially as they're closing the Moon soon for a month! And tomorrow night we have our quiz followed by Salsa Wednesday hopefully so all is well.
Don't really know what else to say, that'll do for now probably, but give me your thoughts as always my friends... and I'll have to throw something else up here soon!
Tonight : I'm exceptionally excited to be a 'Bid for a Date'. I don't know what to expect, it's a little worrying to be honest. But at the same time, it's for charity and should be good fun. It's been a while since I've had the excuse to get all dressed up and look pretty and even if no-one bids, I'll still have a couple of bevies with Mr Francis and make an evening of it all the same...
Well the dry spell is over, and life is coming together quite nicely. Like Lord Voldermort, the more time I have the stronger I get and i will once again rise to ultimate power. Yes, I can feel it running through my veins, thicker by the day... Lord Burlstermort, or he-who-shall-be-adored-but-not-named to you!
Back to work now, but we shall inevitably converse soon my loyal readers. And worry not, those who have done my bidding will not be forgotten when the revelotion comes... which reminds me, I've got to give some serious thought now to Fan of the Year 2006.
Sometimes like everyone, I get down... but for the most part I'm very positive and sometimes I wake up in an exceptional mood! Is it because my mission to meet new people this week is going really well? Is it because life (barring this job) is exceptionally good at the moment? Perhaps it's just because I'm in control of everything for once?
Hey people, I'm a bid for a date on Friday so come to the Uni and bid for me! If you win, the Uni pay for a fancy date and all sorts! It's all in the aid of Children in Need so it's the perfect excuse for those of you with secret crushes on the Burlster to have him to yourself. I better check to see what I've signed... at the moment I don't know what I'm obliged to do for your money!
Plus I'm going to try my hand at a bit of drama later today and yesterday I went to the Pub Quiz followed by a house party in the student village. Yep, this is my week for meeting people!
I just don't understand, it doesn't make any logical sense! Don't sit there and tell me time and time again that you don't want me to teach you to drive because you have a fear of driving, then turn up at my house one day having driven round. And don't give me any bull about how it's because my car is much nicer so you'd fear crashing it... Enjoy driving Skodas forever my friend, for the Sports model will always be slightly out your price range.
Phew, right. Yes, I feel proud today... I've just given my second ever lesson in my life and I really enjoyed it. Apparently, following the quizzes on a tuesday and the tours I do for the schools now, I have lost my fear of public speaking. Acting is going to be much easier next time I try that!!!
A shout out to Celia and Leeds for the most amazing weekend up in Leeds including our awesome trip to Wigan! Special mention to new friend Tasha, and of course my French friends...
Happy Birthday Sabrina!! Can't wait until tomorrow...
In the mean time people, remember as down as you can get, a good day is just around the corner!!
1) Family matter that's causing a lack of sleep but is a little personal so we won't go in to. 2) Personal matter regarding someone whom I care deeply for but have to let go. 3) It's fair to say I drink too much.
I think all these problems will be forgotten about in lets say an optimistic fortnight, but I can't have another night last night! I'm exhausted today, and the only sleep I did get last night was haunted by horrible dreams. Incidentally, do you know what sound squirrels make (when they're not talking English and giving you advice of course)? They Meow. I know, I was suprised too, but they were both there in my flat meowing last night. I don't know what that means...
Dream symbol: squirrel squirrel, squirrels
Interpretation: Being highly efficient, productive or industrious Moving too fast Planning, saving or providing for the future Hiding something or putting it in a safe place, squirreling away A person that is skittish, unpredictable or difficult to handle
I looked it up on the web look... Someone difficult to handle huh? Reckon I've figured that one out!
Back to work, and sorry if I'm not cheerful today, promise I'll be back on form soon.
Wow, this is frustrating. I don't know how I feel today people. I don't know what's on my mind. I don't know what I need to get out. It's very strange.
I feel different, I know that much. For good or for bad I feel worlds away from where I was a fortnight or so ago.
Life can either progress now in a steady and positive fashion, or I can start to fall back in to the ocean of regret that awaits me so patiently...
Nah, I think I'll progress, I never was a good swimmer!!
:-)
Reminds me of a Tim Vine joke... "My mate was balanced on a windowsill on the 5th floor. I thought 'my god, if he falls it's curtains for him, and if he falls the other way he'll die'"!
Extra level of irony in there for anyone who's followed my life close enough, haha!
I have so so much I want to say. Last night I actually wrote a poem (something I haven't done since I was 17). I try desperately to fill up the hole in the bath tub of my life before the essense all leaks away but nothing seems big enough or the right size to take care of this massive hole. *Sigh*.
Yet still I know this water leaking out was getting cold and dirty, and it's probably best to let it go. Even if it does mean I've got some time sat exposed and freezing waiting to fill up the bath again.
It's your fault dammit. Why can't you be normal! Why can't you see what EVERYONE else can? Fool.
Hahaha... rant over for now (and lets not get back in to how rant is pronounced, I like 'rar - nt')!
See, this is the problem. I'm sat in my office with a heavy heart. I feel a little too much of me is being asked at the moment but I blame myself for not being able to say No. Oddly enough however, I don't want a drink today. It would appear my lack of sleep (dreaming of losing my teeth, being burgled and making a close friend cry) has meant a lack of energy. That in turn, has cut out the rubbish that tends to fill my mind. It's like one of those cuddly toys when you squeeze it and it makes a noise, only the batteries are nearly dead... My mind starts off on a trail but quickly slows down to the point of stopping.
One of the things I did last night, was write in my other diary (the slightly more personal one), about 4 pages of common sense about everyone and everything in my life at the moment. That also may have helped my clarification today. One thing for example, is rather then worrying about all the financial pressures and problems I have, I've developed plans to sort them out! I just need to concentrate on me and relax for a while like I did all summer. I'll feel a lot better once I've sorted everything organisationally.
Sorry to moan, I trust you'll let me this once based on the infrequency of negative entries I put up here! Thanks for reading,
"Take the time to consider your physical and mental health today, dear Leo. Given your hard-driving nature, these are areas that may be neglected. And one really affects the other. If you put off dealing with problems or overwork your brain, your physical health will suffer for it. Things like excess weight, addictions, or bouts of depression could be indicators that there is a lack of balance in your life. See about getting things more in sync." - Yahoo Horoscopes
Incredible, precisely what I was thinking... I have been feeling really rather down for the last week or so. I would love to blame it on the alcohol, but sadly I know that minor addiction exists only to help me deal with a much stronger and more damaging one I have. So perhaps I need to concentrate on me again. To get everything in order would take more time then I have. I might just back away slowly from all things financial, hope they take care of themselves and focus on other stuff!
In other news, this last week has been really good, I have made a load of new friends... Hello in particular to my new French friends. I have got much more involved with the students union and I have increased my efforts to pick up a little french. I shall try to get myself to the gym soon, and will endeavour to stay more positive then I have been doing of late.
Here's something to cheer me up, one of my favorite lines from the simpsons recently!
Homer is complaining that when he learns something new, he forgets an old skill...
Homer: ...Remember when I took that home winemaking course and I forgot how to drive? Marge: That's because you were drunk! Homer: And how!
Anyway, I had that feeling last night. The one which some might interpret as a desire to pause time and disappear, and others might even take as far as to contemplate ending it all. However, you all know me, and it is possible to put a positive spin on that feeling! Yes, I just lie back and dream about how it would be to pick up everything I own, shift it all to a flat somewhere obscure, leave no forwarding address and change my number. Start again.
Yep, when some get frustrated with a computer game, they often go for the power button and turn the console off. I'm much more a 'reset' kind of guy, and am very much a believer in being able to achieve what wasn't previously possible the first time round. Recently I enjoyed a long game of Monopoly with some new friends. Sure enough, from merely having Old Kent Road and I think a light blue property, once all the other properties had been sold, I started taking some risks. In fact, I effectively went from rags to riches winning the game, and I always think the same is achievable in life!
With this philosophy, it's never difficult to stay optimistic, even though from time to time I do hover near that reset button... But then again, who doesn't. Life can be complex and much like when you try to draw something on an etch-a-sketch and it gets all messy, it's often easier to turn the blimmin thing upside down and shake it then it is to try and make something of it. Bills, relationships, friendships, work and lots of other things can make the etch-a-sketch of life very unattractive and messy, but take your time, draw the lines required to make something of it, and relax :)
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theburlster's journal
Well I have a bit of time left before I leave so I suppose I may as well stick up a brief entry. First of all my compliments go out again to my new found, similarly minded friend Sarah for her kind words in her blog. Fan of the Month for May, coming your way.
thankful
A blog is most definitely in order! So, a blog on what? 
Trust is a complicated thing. I choose to see trust much as I do religious faith. In order for Religion to work, one must 100% believe in their god. You can not look to facts, and nor can you look to history, you must just decide to believe your correct in your faith and only then can you have a full religious experience.
Good Morning people!
Heartbreak is a fascinating feeling. It's like an essential part of you inside has suddenly disappeared, kind of creating a vacuum. Then everything gets sucked in to that vacuum causing pain in a central spot that spreads to the surrounding areas. Of course the physical feeling isn't the fun part. It's the mental tourment. 
aggravated
You know the expression "You can take a horse to water, but you can't make it drink"? Well I have a horse, and I know it's practically dying of thirst. I've found the nicest cleanest water in the land, and taken it right to the waters edge. As it still refused to drink, I grabbed it's head, and pulled it down to the water, even splashing some water on it's mouth... The horse actually held it's breath.
giddy
Good Morning!
depressed
Imagine a helium balloon. It wants to progress onwards and upwards but alas, at the end of it's string is a hook, hooked on a ring on the floor. Now in order to be unhooked, Mr. Balloon must first be lowered further. He must sink a little closer to that miserable ground before he can be freed from his restraints.
I was always a massive fan of the James Bond style enemy.
contemplative
It's our responsibility to decide whether someone we love is that second jet engine on a plane helping to propel us in the direction we want to go, or an anchor on a ship keeping us stationary. The problem is, both are nice to have, but they serve different functions and our challenge is to identify which is more appropriate for what we want. Do we want to move forward with our lives? Or are we comfortable where we are? Jet Engine or Anchor?
Hello People!
Tonight : I'm exceptionally excited to be a 'Bid for a Date'. I don't know what to expect, it's a little worrying to be honest. But at the same time, it's for charity and should be good fun. It's been a while since I've had the excuse to get all dressed up and look pretty and even if no-one bids, I'll still have a couple of bevies with Mr Francis and make an evening of it all the same...
Sometimes like everyone, I get down... but for the most part I'm very positive and sometimes I wake up in an exceptional mood! Is it because my mission to meet new people this week is going really well? Is it because life (barring this job) is exceptionally good at the moment? Perhaps it's just because I'm in control of everything for once?
I just don't understand, it doesn't make any logical sense! Don't sit there and tell me time and time again that you don't want me to teach you to drive because you have a fear of driving, then turn up at my house one day having driven round. And don't give me any bull about how it's because my car is much nicer so you'd fear crashing it... Enjoy driving Skodas forever my friend, for the Sports model will always be slightly out your price range.
I have 3 major problems at the moment.
Wow, this is frustrating. I don't know how I feel today people. I don't know what's on my mind. I don't know what I need to get out. It's very strange.
I have so so much I want to say. Last night I actually wrote a poem (something I haven't done since I was 17). I try desperately to fill up the hole in the bath tub of my life before the essense all leaks away but nothing seems big enough or the right size to take care of this massive hole. *Sigh*.
See, this is the problem. I'm sat in my office with a heavy heart. I feel a little too much of me is being asked at the moment but I blame myself for not being able to say No. Oddly enough however, I don't want a drink today. It would appear my lack of sleep (dreaming of losing my teeth, being burgled and making a close friend cry) has meant a lack of energy. That in turn, has cut out the rubbish that tends to fill my mind. It's like one of those cuddly toys when you squeeze it and it makes a noise, only the batteries are nearly dead... My mind starts off on a trail but quickly slows down to the point of stopping.
"Take the time to consider your physical and mental health today, dear Leo. Given your hard-driving nature, these are areas that may be neglected. And one really affects the other. If you put off dealing with problems or overwork your brain, your physical health will suffer for it. Things like excess weight, addictions, or bouts of depression could be indicators that there is a lack of balance in your life. See about getting things more in sync." - Yahoo Horoscopes 
Good Morning,